Death but no feelings

     So today we worked a code, and if you have ever worked one of these you know how hectic it truly is. People watching, fire and ems working together like a well tuned engine, and law enforcement on scene trying to get a report of what is happening. Today though, it was especially packed, because we went to this code solely as assistance for the other crew, which already had a EMT student with them. So to the unknowing bystander it look extremely chaotic.

     Once we got on scene we all started working on the patient, and with the student to my side I started securing an airway. Instantly we decided to drop a King Lt, which is a blind insertion airway device, and I tell the student to perform the skill. Her eyes swell up and she says," I can not do it, he isn't breathing." I look at her, touch her shoulder, place the king in her hand and say," It is okay, you know how to do this and you will be fine. I am right next to you." As the students tender hands try to open the packing for the device she can't do it because of the shaking. I help her with it, and we kneel down by the head. The student inserts the airway device, and the patient pukes on both of us. We suction out the airway, and continue to work rigorously  on our patient. Needless to say, the patient did not make it and we pronounced him dead.

      Like all EMS do after a tough call, we start standing in our little huddle and began talking about the code. Pats on the back happen, god job buddies, and thanks for the help is said. We go over the code and what went as planned, and what could have happened a little smoother. Jokes are being sad about the student and I getting puked on, which may sound bad, but it is our way of decompressing. I look up and to my right and see the student. You can tell this hit her extremely hard, it was her first code and death, and she was about to cry. I walk over and tell her how awesome she did and instantly she states," But he still died." I tried to explain you cant save everyone no matter how hard you try, and you have to be able to dissociate yourself from the fact a human being just died on you.

     The question I ask myself when I think of the tears in her eyes, the pain her body is showing, and the sadness her heart feels,  "Am I a horrible human being?" You see I have been desensitized  from death since the Marines. We are taught to not feel any emotions, and this has transferred over to EMS for me. Should I feel something when people die right in front of me? If I did, then how would I go about my normal life without hating it? Even though we work our hardest to save some one I know sometimes it is not in Gods plan for that patient to live. This is what brings me to an ease when I think about the sadness I don't feel in my heart, the pain my body doesn't show, the tears that will never swell up in my eyes. This is why I have no feeling towards death, and I thank God for being desensitized.